Less and Fewer

When we took Spencer to BYU last week, I saw a sign outside the ID center, where new students go to get their ID cards, that read, “ID services also available at One Stop – less lines.” I was appalled. My pet peeve, grammatically, is the confusion of the words “less” and “fewer,” and here was a massive error at my alma mater – at the university I am trusting to teach my child! Gary had to physically restrain me from fixing the sign with a giant Sharpie marker. He said we didn’t have time. Poor misguided man. I believe one should always take the time to attempt to improve the minds of the masses, so today I will give a short lesson on the proper use of the words “less” and “fewer” with the hope that my efforts may prevent further destruction of the English language. Here goes:

We use the word “less” with things that cannot be counted. One can have less sugar, less money, less time, or less intelligence than another. We use “fewer” with things that can be counted. One can have fewer grains of sugar, fewer dollars, fewer minutes, or fewer functioning brain cells than another. It’s that simple. If you’re not sure if something can be counted, try substituting the word “many” for “less” or “fewer.” If “many” makes sense, as in “I have many dresses,” use “fewer.” If “many” sounds really stupid, as in “I have many clothing,” use “less.” If you thought “many clothing” sounded just fine, you can stop reading now and go watch television.

Now that those of you with sufficient intelligence to comprehend this lesson have been enlightened, I fervently hope to find fewer instances of this particular catachresis (look it up) – at least on paper. Class dismissed!